Thursday, September 15, 2011

Mitt is SO Mormon that:

By: Joanna Brooks

Earlier this week, Florida evangelical Christian leader John Stemberger endorsed Rick Perry’s campaign for GOP presidential nominee. According to Stemberger, Perry was more “trustworthy” on social conservation issues like abortion rights.

On Romney, Stemberger said: “The issue not that he is a Mormon. The issue is that he wasn’t Mormon enough. If he had been consistent with traditional Mormon values his whole career, that would make me feel a lot more comfortable about where he’s coming from.”

Mitt Romney. Not Mormon enough. Yeah. Right.

Stemberger’s ludicrous assessment of Mitt Romney’s Mormonism inspired an eighteen-hour-stream of “Mitt Romney is so Mormon jokes” on Twitter at @askmormongirl. I’m reprinting the best here, with thanks to the comic geniuses of the Mormon Twitternacle, especially Matt Workman--@matthewworkman--and Jerilyn Pool--@auntmarvel."

(Just a note: for some of these, you may have to be Mormon to understand.)

So, how Mormon is Mitt Romney?

Mitt is so Mormon he’s related to the other Mormon presidential candidate and half of his own campaign volunteers as well.

Mitt is so Mormon his campaign bus is a pioneer handcart.

Mitt is so Mormon he’d call 19-year-old boys to serve as US ambassadors.

Mitt is so Mormon his Israel policy will be centered on Jackson County, Missouri.

Mitt is so Mormon he’ll make the income tax a flat 10% and collect fast offerings to fund Medicaid.

Mitt is so Mormon he’ll ask the Senate to “sustain” his appointees by manifesting with an upraised hand.

Mitt is so Mormon he doesn’t do Pilates, he does golden Pilates.

Mitt is so Mormon that his campaign “oppo” team has done all the other candidates’ genealogy.

Mitt is so Mormon he’s organizing his precinct walkers in pairs to knock doors with a very special message.

Mitt is so Mormon he’d make the Book of Mormon required reading at the Bureau of Indian Affairs.

Mitt is so Mormon, that if he’s elected the “First Lady” will be known as the “First Wife.”

Mitt is so Mormon he’ll choke up and weep during his inaugural address. And then say, “I told myself I wasn’t going to cry.”

Mitt is so Mormon he’d commission a presidential motorcade built entirely of 10-passenger family vans.

Mitt is so Mormon, he will actually hang the Constitution up by a thread, just so he can save it.

Mitt Romney is so Mormon that he’s afraid to join the Tea Party because of Doctrine & Covenants 89.

Mitt is so Mormon he’ll start the State of the Union with the words: “I wasn’t going to get up, but the Spirit just carried me up here.”

Mitt is so Mormon his campaign biography begins, “I, Willard, having been born of goodly parents.”

Mitt is so Mormon, he will ask members of Congress to go home and pray about his economic plan.

Mitt is so Mormon he’d ask the Elders Quorum to move him into the White House.

Mitt Romney is so Mormon that his first act will be to make July 24 a national holiday.

Mitt is so Mormon, he asks donors to stack chairs after fundraising dinners.

Mitt is so Mormon he’ll award Ty Detmer, Steve Young, and Jimmer Fredette Congressional Medal of Honor.

Mitt is so Mormon he refers to expatriates as “apostates” and non-US citizens as “Gentiles.”

Mitt is so Mormon that his campaign slogan is “What do you know about Mitt Romney? Would you like to know more?”

Mitt is so Mormon he’ll reroute the Freedom Trail through Palmyra, New York, Nauvoo, Illinois, and Winter Quarters, Iowa.

Mitt is so Mormon he’ll rename the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms the Word of Wisdom squad.

Mitt is so Mormon he’d do an ad for the LDS Church: “I’m a husband, father, and leader of the free world. And I’m a Mormon.”

Mitt is so Mormon he isn’t as concerned about getting American youth jobs as he is about getting them married.

Mitt Romney is so Mormon he tried to convince CNN to let him bring a visual aid to the debate so he could turn it into an object lesson.

Mitt is so Mormon that he refers to Congress as “The Great and Spacious Building.”

Mitt is so Mormon that out of “concern for the one” he’ll invite Kim Jong-Il to join the fold.

Mitt is so Mormon he’ll end every address with “hope you all get home without any harm or accidents.”

Mitt is so Mormon he’ll assign a friend to every new member of Congress.

Mitt is so Mormon he’s already picked out a room in the White House for his year’s supply of wheat and beans, and he’ll require the White House Chef to rotate the food storage.

Mitt is so Mormon he’ll replace the Secret Service with the Danites.

Mitt is so Mormon his Secret Service codename will be Mahonri Moriancumr.

Mitt is so Mormon he thinks Harvard is the BYU of the east.

Mitt is so Mormon he thought the debt ceiling was something that could only happen in a temple.

Mitt is so Mormon, he doesn’t campaign: he “fellowships.”

Mitt is so Mormon that he’s installing two basketball hoops at the inaugural ball so there’s a place to hang decorations.

Mitt is so Mormon that he’ll change the name of “Cabinet Meeting” to “Correlation Meeting.”

Mitt is so Mormon that if he got elected all of the White House Pyrex 9x13 pans would have a piece of masking tape on them with his name written in Sharpie.

Mitt is so Mormon, he has four cats named 1 Nephi, 2 Nephi, 3 Nephi and 4 Nephi. (4 Nephi is the small one.)

Mitt is so Mormon that late last night he snuck out to put 5000 plastic forks in the lawn of Jon Huntsman. And after that, he heart attacked Rick Perry.

Mitt is so Mormon that he’s going to rename the 101st Airborne as “The Stripling Warriors.”

Mitt is so Mormon, he won’t deport illegal aliens, he’ll just disfellowship them.

Mitt is so Mormon, he’ll rename FEMA the Federal Relief Society.

Mitt is so Mormon he’ll start his acceptance speech with “I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it.”

Mitt is so Mormon that if elected he’ll require every state to have an Official Casserole.

Mitt is so Mormon that the Marine Band will play “Praise to the Man” when he enters a room.

Mitt is so Mormon that he’ll appoint Lavell Edwards head of the Department of Defense.

Mitt is so Mormon he won’t allow advisers wearing non-white dress shirts to participate in cabinet meetings.

Mitt is so Mormon that he’ll rename the weekly presidential address “Politics and the Spoken Word.”

Mitt is so Mormon that his cabinet would consist entirely of unqualified volunteers.

Mitt is so Mormon he’d outsource the department of education to the Boy Scouts.

Mitt is so Mormon he’d convene a linger-longer after cabinet meetings.

Mitt is so Mormon he’d hang a copy of the Proclamation on the Family and a picture of the Washington, D.C. LDS temple in the White House.

Mitt is so Mormon he has volunteers combing through old GOP voter rolls for less actives he can reactivate.

Mitt is so Mormon he’d commission a Mod Bod undershirt to be engraved under the sleeveless dress of the Statue of Liberty.

Mitt is so Mormon he’d put everyone in his stake on the inauguration invite list. Just because.

Mitt is so Mormon he’d ask the Chief Justice to use a quad at his inauguration.

Mitt is so Mormon, he will add the phrases “every fiber of my being” and “beyond a shadow of a doubt” to the presidential oath of office.

Mitt Romney is so Mormon he’d plan a youth dance festival for his first 4th of July in office.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Aidan's Summer

Scouts, scouts, scouts! Aidan's summer is all scouts!

The first week out he volunteered 8 hours a day, five days in one week helping the cub scouts. He baited hooks, untangled lines and every once in a while, helped unhook a big one.

He spent the next week getting three merit badges at scout camp and the very next week flew to Utah where he finished his swim badge, started his gardening badge (composter) and worked on home repair badge (already finished once.) Hiking, painting, and cooking merit badges progressed fine.

I think that he's ready to go back to school to get some vacation time.

Working for Mission Money

Ian's challenge this summer is making money for his mission and thus far he seems up to it.

He has split wood, removed, repainted, reglazed the storm windows and mulched the trees out front. He helped cousins paint grandma's picnic table and worked with grandpa to repair Grandma's concrete step. He removed the front planter, rebuilt the front planter and rocked and moved dirt. Split more wood, scraped and repainted the deck. He has pruned and burned all the acreage, doctored the trees, split wood, stacked it, cleaned the garage and the shed, swept the chimneys, caulked mortar joints, reflashed the leaky chimney, split even more wood, and stacked it. He has deweeded, debugged, and removed and restrung the swings, while debriefing all the cousins.

He sings while he works and most of the time, the neighbors don't protest--and Mom only wishes you could hear every verse of the Song of Angry Men sung in a rich, deep, baritone. If only I had pushed video on that camera.

Look out Alaska.

Ian's Mission Call

Ian's mission call story is a true study in patience--as I hear many are.

Dia waited a month while her papers were misplaced, mistaken, misdirected before she could get her interviews, but Ian's wait takes the prize!

Dia helped him prepare his papers and they were ready to submit by his four month deadline, March 1. She left in February and anxiously awaited him joining her in the MTC, or at least news of his call. March passes and appointments are set and missed and reset and then it's April
finals supercede all else.

College ends, dorm addresses change, wards shift, bishops are released and reassigned, and college resumes.
Finally one day all the stars in the universe align and Ian is able to find the stake clerk who will spend a couple of hours with him searching for his paperwork.

Voila! His paperwork is recovered and sent on!

Ah, but not yet. Ian must have further medical sign-offs that could take four more weeks. But amidst Spring finals, he perseveres and receives the sign-off and finally, the papers are in three days before his 19th birthday!

And the results will be sent to his dorm - that he's just moved from and is under the demolishing block.

Forwarding order in? A week longer delay?

If nothing else, the guy gets points for patience.

Monday, May 2, 2011

More BYU Women's Conference

Even more notes from Women's Conference:

The next talk was really good, and made for me a new mantra. You Can Do Hard Things. This might come in really handy for a missionary. This sister had four kids, newly converted husband, moved to new house, new job, different state, then he left her. She paged God a lot, was on his speed dial, She wondered if his caller ID response was, "Didn't I just talk to her?"

She had heavenly quotes pasted all over her house. One on her sun visor, "You can do hard things." Jeremiah 32:27, Gen 18:14.

Met someone new and wonderful, married seven years, he went to the Chico Sky Dive, yup, out of a plane dead, but she had her tool box ready, filled with her Savior and a better sense of how to get through hard times and a sense that she had done hard things so she could do it again.

When her daughter was sent to Quanka Mexico, she writes, "I don't even like other people's kids." The speaker wrote back, "You can do hard things." Through service, when she picked her up, the daughter had learned to love the people.

She is a teacher at the prison and tells about NaTasha is a longest felon at the prison, 60 yrs old, at age 11, mafia father told her to pick up this gun and use it. She did. She had "anger issues," even the guards were afraid of her. She was diagnosed with MS, worried that she couldn't fight to be safe in prison, asked her bunkmate if she really believed in God, went to church, changed all personal pronouns to whom God spoke, in her B of M to her own name. Might get paroled this year.

The speaker was asked to teach seventh graders, harder than felons? She drove around the corner, hit by sunshine, put down her sunvisor and read, "You can do hard things."

We can only do this if we believe what we are capable of and who we are. It's easy to say we're stupid and useless rather than you are fabulous and capable because then you expect more of yourself. A Jewish Kaballah says to degrade yourself is to degrade God as you are made in his image.

Do not lie or demean yourself. Your subconscious is literal minded and in a pinch your own words come back.

In a book titled Jesus as CEO She quotes that unlike most notes to the president of the board, "Look what I've done to accomplish my task, health benefits decreased, etc." Christ's note would say, "Look, I present my people as my glory, John 17.

She closed with a book, "So Few Of Me" The last phrase was "what If I did Less, But It was My Best?"

The second half of the time was a good speaker too.
She was Shaunna Thompson, professional actress, and self proclaimed, "Waste of skin." Alma 32, thos compelled to be humbled will still be blessed, those noncompelled much more so than ye.

She says she sees those not compelled have a greater level of peace due to the blessings for living their sacramental promise.

She feared Man more than God and on Touched by an Angel set, was asked to curse God and did it. Noone said anything to her, except the Janitor at the school where she volunteered, and he asked her why. She learned and vowed to do better and said no to matters of impropriety, immodesty, Sabbath filming--which was often and challenging, but without a second thought, put it behind her and went on.

Then when asked to work on Sunday for a Motorola commercial, she sent an email apologizing, "sorry, Mormon and all that... yada, yada." She got a response, "I used to be a Mormon, Man UP, Believe what you believe and don't apologize for your standards."

Then she got asked again, "They really want you and will not shoot on SUnday." She said Yes. Then again a call, Can't get an open office except on Sunday, they will pay $400 more, will you do it.

She went to her actor buddies on her current film (an LDS one) for justification, The Dad said, "I work as breadwinner, so I work every day." The young girl, "Go to sacrament early, then work." The young boy, "I am a priesthood holder, Never!" "Unless they are offering you a bundle, then in a heartbeat!"

Finally she calls her husband, Her conscience, and he says, "What changed from your first decision?Nothing? then you know what to do."

So she refused, the next week, Motorola called again, gave her the part paying more month, not filmed on Sunday, and she thought it was the Lord saying, "This poor, sorry girl who always struggles with the easy decisions. Throw her a Bone!"

She has a wayward son and quotes Orson F Whitney, "that the eternal sealings of faithful parents and the divine promises made to them for valiant service in the Cause of Truth, would save not only themselves, but likewise their posterity."

This is where Shelly and I again wonder about the righteous posterity who lived righteously so we could live again here on earth.

So, this is my last letter to you before hong Kong, it is two minutes to noon. I hope you get it to feast on on the plane.

BYU Women's Conference Notes

I just sent this note to the missionary and I thought it good enough to keep forever in my blog.

More letters about the BYU Women's Conference. Sister Susan Tingey spoke about D&C 101. I have to tell you a little about her. Prior to the class, the lady next to her hugged her and I got to see her close up, and I thought, "Wow, high maintenance." You know, the outfit and hair and face, tanned, gorgeous. So now you know where I'm coming from.

She began, "When everything is not okay, it's not the end--just so you know." Somewhere in Alaska, a disturbance in the ground caused a wave to begin and when it hit the northern California beach and swept her five year old granddaughter out to sea, who could predict or prevent that?

While playing the piano at her funeral, she kept wiping a weird bump under her nose. Ended up in the doc's dental chair to carve that cancer bump out. Nine hours and a hundred shots later she emerged without a nose, and most of the flesh around it. Calmed by III Nephi, 17, faith heals, #7, believe in healing, #13, endure all, she was six weeks waiting to begin nine months of reconstruction. Son leaving on a mission in 6 weeks, second lump discovered on chin, had to eat a radiation tablet $12 Thou pill, totally irradiated had to survive the mental combat of a retreat out on Bear Lake, alone and radioactive, John 14, I will comfort you, D&C 66, be patient, D&C 122.

Asked by a friend, "Do you ever wonder why God hates you?" She prayed often for her non-member surgeon, one day during reconstruction he had just finished drawing a detailed blueprint on her face, she was prepped and ready for surgery-iv in, and he didn't like the little red bump on her forehead. Wouldn't proceed. It was MRSA and she would have had the flesh-eating bacteria all over her face.

She introduced the words to a song, something like He was First Born, to be the first bourne of our pain. Good lyrics. Her quote was, "God may calm the storm, but other times he calms the child and lets the storm rage."

She continued by saying that if there were 100 billion born on earth, (she estimated and averaged) and 226,000 are now YW, they have .000226 percent to be born in the church--essentially a zero chance. Does that increase our infinite worth and make us more responsible for it? We must develop self-worth alone--all by ourselves. No one can give it to us, She sends her kids to hard countries to see how blessed they are. She went to Kenya and did one day of hard work, then knew that the woman she shadowed got up and did it daily. She went home and rested.

Good talk. For me, again with the "Got to work to gain self-worth."

Oh, Sis Easton Black spoke on Joseph Smith in the Smith Field house. I didn't make it there, but I thought of you, Dia. You loved your class with her.

Sis Leavitt spoke on time traps of technology and virtual or virtuous woman? Mom's spend 1.5 mins online, 35 min engaged one-on-one with child. Less with each succeeding child. 50 min with spouse. Most underestimate their virtual time by 50%. Wow! Bednar's apostolic warning in his CES talk about cyber sites. He plead with us to be more aware. The adversary beguiles us to disconnect with reality. He wants us to become accustomed to a disembodied state--it's his ultimate goal all along.
Technology was not created beyond the Lord's purview. It is His tool in the latter days--it is up to us to prevent Satan from beguiling us to misuse it.

Sister Leigh Wilkes same topic, Internet
D&C 60:13, Do not idle away thy time or talent, again with Bednar, technology is one more thing in mortality we must control.
It's a doorway to learn - but we overwhelm ourselves with info, as much good as bad.

It's great communication with families, but we must let others govern themselves, not take over their lives.

Lift and Brighten lives, but blog life, don't live to blog.

Build the church - 10 years ago 80% negative when one googled the church--now, 80% positive, but the eyes of the world are upon you, perceptions of the world are influenced in communication, Elder Bednar assures us no need to argue or be beligerant. OUR POSITION IS SOLID--THE CHURCH IS TRUE.

Traps: Easy to judge as we read, easy to feel inadequate. Instead think: What can I learn, how can they inspire my life. Time Trap: There is more to life than increasing it's speed.

Disconnect one day--a technology fast once a week. You can either invite or impeded the Holy Ghost in your life, and no one can do two things at once competently. Enlarge or restrict, love and serve.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

50 Floors Up

Aidan ran with Dave fifty flights up the Williams Tower in stair stepping challenge on Saturday.

The pictures don't give the challenge justice. It was a killer. The videos are the best. FIFTY flights, and a torturous twelve minutes to talk Aidan to the top!


Friday, February 25, 2011

I'm tired of products professing to be the "original recipe". No it's not, I can see, smell, feel, and tell that it's not. Do companies think I'm stupid?

Friday, February 11, 2011

Marriage Myths

…marriage myths

If the original Tales of the Grimms Brothers had been left intact by sanitizing editors, the youth of the world would have a far truer vision of the fairy-tale fable called marriage.

Our tale opens with a young, love-struck couple on the cusp of a delightful happy-ever-after tale. The couple is bedecked like royalty at a castle-like reception hall trussed up in finery, with frippery and flowers. A fawning public brings expensive gifts and gathers to admire them and coo. The couple shares bites of a magical cake after which a fabulous coach transports them on a magical journey to a mythical place in a far distant land. After two weeks of sustained delusion, our two young lovers return and flip the page to the second chapter of connubial… reality.

On the very next page of this book, the dark side of the tale emerges and the innocent couple plunge into the deep, dark mysterious myth of matrimony. Don't get me wrong, I'd not have it any other way (This is not just vendetta speaking), but the bottom line is that after such a delusional set-up, Reality Bites!

There are those of us—the fairy god-aunties--who attempt to mitigate the page-turning of this slasher-thriller with hints and clues made in the guise of well-meant encouragement. Our preparation begins under the pretense of advice at the bridal shower. Advisors flit about dispensing counsel like clouds of fluffy meringue. “Whoever exits the bed last makes it!” and “If one cooks, the other cleans the kitchen!”

Most of our time is spent sugarcoating the grit of the bitter chocolate offered by the sardonic thrice-divorced auntie-fairy who sits slouched on the far settee. We tactfully try to stay well within the boundaries set by the queen mother who wants to avoid startling this pony mid-stride.

We watch the couple as they flit and flutter around in this dream world, hopeful and deluded. We wish their story could somehow end far more fairy-like than our own. All the while, knowing the magic mirror would be more realistic if the Cinderella life it revealed, could have stayed stuck in nasty-godmother, toilet-cleaning, pre-prom disclosure.

Reality Bite: Our sole purpose is to keep the stunned couple from skipping ahead in the tale and preempting the disastrous conclusion.

…and tales

To the Fairy Bride:

Honey, I want to give you what every young innocent couple hopes for—the secret to marital tranquility, all the magic ingredients, stashed in a special bag to be mixed and combined to invent the potion that resolves all issues.

It doesn’t exist. Get over it. Love me, T.

Fairy god-aunties are well-meaning marriage wizards who dispense the best advice to be had, and while not conventional connubial practitioners, (marriage therapists) most long-married couples have earned their credentials by being married at least ten years (four years training, two years mastering and then four more spent doctoring up a relationship). These are the real experts, the secret holders of blissful longevity. Somehow I managed to qualify, so here are my top three hints: [1]

4. Admit when you’re wrong. Take the blame and apologize. (“I’m sorry you feel that way,” doesn’t count.)

3. Put the other person first, particularly when shots are being fired.

2. Greet each other at the end of a long day with a kiss, in lieu of the opposite.

1. Never go to sleep in the middle of a fight. If you do, you risk forgetting the whole thing, (particularly his part in it) by morning!

To T:

The battle just gets raging and I glance over and find that I am looking at the outside of his eyelids while he looks at the insides. Me

Reality Bite: Heaven forbid this should all blow over!

[1]My prince insisted there were four.

excerpt from Reality Book 2, Arms and Legs In and Have a Nice Ride

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

OK Lizard Wizard brings Blizzard

I love reading the comments of children trying to understand the rare OK weather phenomena called blizzard. Truly, a lizard, wizard makes perfect sense for what happened here.